welcome to a cooler website!

did you think i wouldn't hide some nonsense? some goofy nonsense, potentially just for my own benefit? you fool. you absolute fool of course i'm sneaking some good good goofs into an otherwise mundane and professional website. who do you think i am? i'm clove gardener, you doofus. i'm coming over right now and i'm making you some grilled cheeses. you don't like grilled cheeses? you hesitate to invite me into your home, potentially for shifty vampire purposes? you fool. you absolute

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nonfiction writings

What is a Clover Jean Gardener?

A Clove is Silly

When properly calibrated, a Clove has a baseline philosophical leaning of existential-absurdity. This happy balance is best maintained through a steady supply of apples and Vietnamese Iced coffee.

A Clove is Thoughtful

The Clover Jean Gardener can exude a quality of mild, counter-cultural edginess. It would likely be insufferable if they drew more attention to it, but since they don't it usually stays semi-sufferable

This is Not a Clove

This is a frame from the Patterson-Gimlin Film (1967), which claimed to capture Bigfoot on film. Clover Jean Gardener was not able to be caught on film in 1967, due to scheduling conflicts.

Clover on Clover

by Grover C. Jardener, Crude Doppleganger and Internet Journalist

From the moment I was pulled roughly into an existence that was not meant to be, I've always wanted to know about the inner workings of the modern indie author. So it was a real treat when my Dark Master commanded I sit down with writer Clover Jean Gardener to really get a peek behind the scene of an upcoming novelist.

When I first reached out, Clover seemed a little hesitant to meet me in person. This all changed when they met me in the abandoned garment factory on the edge of town and laid eyes upon my mocking mimicry of their own face.

But lucky for me, a person can only scream for so long. And lucky for YOU, dear reader, writers like Clove often value sating curiosity over preserving the stability of their own fragile psyche!

Pictured above: Grover C. Jardener, moments before ego death (and then literal death)

Thanks for sitting down for a little interview, Clover! I know you're usually pretty busy, so I really appreciate being able to meet you in person like this.

[Weak laugh] Yeah, that's - fine.

Before I start with my first question, I have to ask - you're a writer, you work in the world of books. So what are YOU reading at the moment?

Uh...I picked up a copy of Gulp by Mary Roach the other day. I haven't started reading it yet, but I own two of her other books already and I always enjoying... [Trails off, sighs] Your - your eyes are bleeding a little bit, bud.

Let's get to the questions!

Are you - what are you? Do you need help?

Now Clover, your book Blind Trust is the start of a fantasy series where the main romantic pairing is between a sex-repulsed asexual and an asexual aromantic.

[Shifts anxiously, eyes the exit]

So I just have to ask - do you think you're better than everyone else?

Excuse me?

Have you made a point to separate yourself from more "spice-loving" writers? Do you think that gives your book more literary value?

Okay - so first off, I don't avoid erotica because I'm better than those writers. I do it because I'm worse. I'm worse at writing erotica.

It seems a little disingenuous -

No, hang on - do you think I haven't tried to write more steamier things? I've tried, man. But I'm bad at it, and at this point I don't really see the long-term benefits of working to get that much better.

Okay. but -

And I'm not writing some milquetoast, substance-less schlock, okay? My romance stuff is still technically romance - it's just a very specific type of romance for people with aspirations to have a platonic sleepover with all of their loved ones.

...What?

You know what? I don't have to sit here and be judged by what is clearly the byproduct of some wizard's dark magic. This interview is over.

Hey, don't be like that. That's offensive.

I read your column before I got here. You know what's offensive? Writing 2010s-era Buzzfeed Articles in 2025.

The term isn't "dark magic". It's technically a niche form of chimeric cloning.

Oh. Shit, wow. How's that - working out for you?

Every moment of life is unbelivable agony. But also I'm technically part horse, so -

Yeah, I was debating whether or not to bring up the hooves.

Do you like them? Are you jealous?

You know what? I kind of am.